


hold on

by soranpreath



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Self-Harm, USWNT
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:08:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29347149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soranpreath/pseuds/soranpreath
Summary: a soran fic based on the song hold on by chord overstreetmajor TW for self  harm and suicide attempt, please read at your own risk, and don't read if it's going to be harmful for you
Relationships: Lindsey Horan/Emily Sonnett
Comments: 11
Kudos: 31





	hold on

_ Loving and fighting, accusing, denying _

_ I can't imagine a world with you gone _

_ The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of _

_ I'd be so lost if you left me alone _

  
  


The trade was not expected. Who in their right mind would trade their star outside back number one pick? However, it did happen. And it meant that Lindsey and Sonnett would be 3038.8 miles away. Playing on different NWSL teams for the first time ever. Sonnett considered herself lucky because she had been able to play with the Thorns for so long in her career. 

She was frustrated with herself, for getting too comfortable in her setting. She should’ve seen this coming. She was furious with herself, for not being good enough. For not making enough of a difference to have Mark fight for her to stay. So, she shut herself off. She didn’t talk to Lindsey, or Tobin, or Caitlin, or even Ellie. She woke up, had a protein shake, went to practice, came home, and went right back to the bedroom to sleep.

  
  


_ You locked yourself in the bathroom _

_ Lying on the floor when I break through _

_ I pull you in to feel your heartbeat _

_ Can you hear me screaming? Please don't leave me _

  
  


It was Alyssa who found her that morning at January Camp, in their shared bathroom after their morning session. She immediately dialed Lindsey’s number. Lindsey was confused, she and Alyssa never talked. Sure, Sonnett and Alyssa had gotten closer after being roommates for so many camps, but she and Lindsey had never really talked. So when Lindsey picked up, and she heard the growing concern in Alyssa’s voice, she got worried. “Linds, come now. Room 224. It's Sonnett. Linds come now” was all Alyssa said before she hung up. Christen was Lindsey’s roommate for this camp, and when she noticed Lindsey’s distress, her eyes asked if she was okay. “That was Alyssa. Something’s happened to Sonnett.” Both Lindsey and Christen rushed down to Alyssa’s room. Christen texted Tobin while they were running. 

They weren’t expecting to open the door and find nobody there. But, after they had thrown open the door, Alyssa called, “In here!” and the three of them rushed to the bathroom. Then their hearts dropped. They took in their surroundings. Alyssa was bent over Sonnett. She had towels pressed to both of Sonnett’s wrists, and they were seeping red. Sonnett was unconscious, her hair spayed out over the bathroom tile. Alyssa looked over with pleading eyes, unsure of what to do next.

“Oh Son” Christen said softly. 

Tobin gently moved and grabbed more towels off of the shelf. She handed one to Alyssa, and she took the other to replace the sopping towel on Sonnett’s left wrist.

“I called 911. I haven’t called Vlatko yet. I figured I should call you first. I just found her here. I came from my ice bath and wanted to shower. I didn’t know she was going to do this. She seemed fine this morning. I promise-” Lindsey interrupted Alyssa’s rambling with a giant hug. “Thank you” she whispered in her ear.

  
  


_ Hold on, I still want you _

_ Come back, I still need you _

_ Let me take your hand, I'll make it right _

_ I swear to love you all my life _

_ Hold on, I still need you _

  
  


Somehow, Vlatko and the trainers found their way into the room, both trainers taking over for Tobin and Alyssa, applying gauze on Sonnett’s wrists to try and stop the bleeding before the paramedics arrived. Once they did, they loaded Sonnett onto the gurney. Lindsey stayed right by her side the entire time. 

  
  


_ Long endless highway, you're silent beside me _

_ Driving a nightmare I can't escape from _

_ Helplessly praying, the light isn't fading _

_ Hiding the shock and the chill in my bones _

  
  


The paramedics had to start an IV, which meant moving the gauze. Lindsey felt so heartbroken for Sonnett. She always seemed so happy and bubbly. She never told Lindsey she was feeling sad, or mad or however she was feeling. She never told anyone, not even Kelley, who she was closest to besides Lindsey.  _ Oh God, Kelley _ . Lindsey texted Tobin, who told her Christen was already on top of that. 

  
  


_ They took you away on a table _

_ I pace back and forth as you lay still _

_ They pull you in to feel your heartbeat _

_ Can you hear me screaming? Please don't leave me _

Once they got to the hospital, they took Sonnett away to get her wrists stitched up. Lindsey answered all of the nurse’s medical questions. When they finally let her into Sonnett’s room, she looked so small in the hospital gown. Her wrists were bandaged up and she had an IV in her upper bicep. Lindsey sank into a chair pulled over to the hospital bed.

About an hour later, when Lindsey felt Sonnett stir, she heard that soft voice she had fallen in love with. “it- it didn’t work?” Sonnett asked in a voice barely noticeable. 

“Oh Em.” Lindsey cupped Sonnett’s face in her hands, “I am so glad it didn’t work. You and me, we are going to figure this out okay?”

Sonnett nodded and turned away from Lindsey, causing her heart to break in more pieces.

The doctor came in and said that they had to keep Sonnett on a 96 hour psychiatric stay to make sure she wouldn’t do something like that again.

Lindsey didn’t leave her side for the entire four days. She couldn’t imagine looking away and possibly losing her. Sonnett spent most of the time sleeping. The doctor said it was part of the medicine.

  
  


_ Hold on, I still want you _

_ Come back, I still need you _

_ Let me take your hand, I'll make it right _

_ I swear to love you all my life _

_ Hold on, I still need you _

The doctors talked to Lindsey about next steps. They said Sonnett was continuing to refuse treatment, and that they were worried she would try something dangerous again. They said that Sonnett had to go to a psychiatric hospital for 14 days.    
Those 14 days were some of the longest of Lindsey’s life. She felt so lonely without Sonnett. Tobin and Christen checked up on her every day, and she had training to keep her busy most days. Still, she felt a Sonnett shaped hole in her life.

  
  


_ I don't wanna let go _

_ I know I'm not that strong _

_ I just wanna hear you _

_ Saying, "Baby, let's go home" _

_ Let's go home _

_ Yeah, I just wanna take you home _

When the day came for Lindsey to take Sonnett home, she arrived at the hospital with two iced coffees. When Sonnett came out, she offered her a warm smile. She still had her gauze bandages on, Lindsey realizing that her cuts were so much deeper than she had thought, but she had a smile on her face, one Lindsey hadn’t seen since before the trade.

  
On the way home, Sonnett finally said something, “Linds, I want you to know it wasn’t your fault.”    
“Oh Em, we don’t have to talk about this”

“No I want to. I want you to know that nothing you said or did caused this. I think with the trade I felt so worthless. I didn’t think I was important enough for anyone, important enough to stay. But I’m glad Alyssa found me that day. I don’t want to be somewhere you aren’t”

Lindsey answered by pulling Sonnett in for a hug, and holding on to her for a long time. She didn’t want to let her go. She didn’t want to exist in a world Sonnett wasn’t in.

  
  


_ Hold on, I still want you _

_ Come back, I still need you _

  
  


“Come on Em, let's go home.”

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you thought @soranpreath on tumblr


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